Yesterday the church sermon really hit home for me. The sermon was all about forgiveness. I always have had such an easy time forgiving people. For example, boyfriend messes up, I forgive. Friend makes a mistake I still let them in my life and I don’t hold grudges. There’s two people that I can’t seem to forgive. I guess I can’t seem to forgive because I don’t have an apology.
Who says you need an apology? Well you don’t and honestly I should forgive, but really it’s the same thing over and over again. I just keep experiencing the same hurt over and over and over again. Hurt that I never even knew I could feel. Honestly, I couldn’t be more messed up.
There is nothing more profound then getting up after you have been pushed down and told countless times in different ways that you couldn’t do it. All the stings, the burns, the scrapes have helped me out with the real world. Prepared me for more stings and burns. But, these would come from people who are just doing their job. It would be understandable, and I would be able to forgive. But the stings and burns that came from the people that are supposed to care most about me, still linger. Why can’t I forgive just yet? I want to because I want to let go of the anger and the frustration and most of all the hurt.
All I want is to be accepted for me. To be loved unconditionally and to be treated as an equal. Why is it that I yearn so much for this? I couldn’t be more distant and honestly these two individuals think they know me but couldn’t be more wrong. It’s so frustrating trying to write this blog because I get mad and angry and just want to explain everything I have endured, but what will that accomplish? Nothing.
This blog isn’t supposed to be all bad. I’m here to shed some light. There’s no point in holding onto things. You need to let go and forgive. God forgives us every day, so why can’t we forgive even if it seems like the biggest pain you have. To me this is the biggest pain I have. But, I will forgive and if you have a pain, so should you.
“21Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.…” Mathew 18:21-22