All posts by astorytotell823

About astorytotell823

It would probably take me way too long to describe perfectly what I am all about. I will love you until you give me a reason not to. BUT, then again even if I have a reason not to love you, I'll find one and still try to see the good in you. I love to write. I love kids. I love my two small dogs. I really want a hedgehog :). I love every animal! My main reason for writing is so I can let go of held emotions. So I can laugh, smile, make you smile, tell stories and be free. Writing makes me free. Always feel like you can comment. I love talking to people. My site won't always be depressing I promise, but I can say sometimes there will be touchy stories. Get to know me through my writing. You'll love me. God, is the reason we live and breathe. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16

Confused.

So I’ve been in a relationship for the past 5 and a half years. But before that I had a boyfriend who was my first love. I was only 15/16 BUT there’s no age on love. I call him the beautiful mistake. He wasn’t necessarily a mistake just because I did love him and I can’t take that back and I wouldn’t. But our relationship was poison.

This is going to sound bad because well it is I guess, but I will always have love for him. Always. I’m not in love with him or anything like that and I’m very faithful. I’m also very committed. BUT, this guy has a hold on me. I don’t know what it is but he will always have this hold. I kick him out of my life and he comes back! Some way or another he’s back.

He came back a couple days ago after me telling him a year ago not to come back. He was different though he was nice. I have some sort of weakness for this man. Something that I can’t control.

I want to make one thing clear. My other half knows that this guy does this and that he’s back. I’m not hiding anything from him.

Anyways, I feel like the only reason he comes back is cause two reasons;

Reason one: he thinks he’s going to get some sex from me.

No. He will not

Reason two: he likes to play with my emotions and jerk me around and see what kind of pull he has on me still.

I’m sorry, but if your first love comes back into your life for unknown reasons, it messes you up and leaves you wondering. Like why is he doing this? I’m so tired of it.

I know I’m doing it to myself but I’m just not a strong person. At all. I try to be but I find myself texting him first when I never do that. Ever. It’s just a tough situation to be in. I don’t know how to handle it  do I block him all over again? I don’t know  I’m stuck  and I’m not a strong person  so I’m really stuck

Nojudgement please.

Rock bottom really is rock bottom. Kinda.

Here I am. Lost my job, boyfriend has only a part time job, barely able to put food on the table, every job that I’m applying for I’m not getting, but yet I’m still smiling and I still feel like I’ll be fine.

Me and my significant other are being put to the test and actually we are doing so much better. I think stress and everything was getting to us. We both could feel each other slipping through our fingertips, and we both realized it and we both are hanging on and making the effort

everything is so much better now even though we are barely hanging on  but you know what? We got this. We will overcome anything  we already have over came a lot  what’s one more thing?

Evertthing will be okay. Positivity is key.

 

no words

I have been sitting on this couch next to my significant other for about 5 hours and we have said all of 3 sentences to each other. How come? I am not really sure what is going on here, but I can say I am not sure it can be fixed.We have been living like this for months, and I don’t understand why.

Let me elaborate a bit. I absolutely love my other half, no doubt. But, I am not blind or dumb to not see that something is missing. When people ask “Oh, how are you two doing?” I want to respond with “AMAZING! COULDN’T BE BETTER.”

But, the sad truth is that I can’t. The response is always, “We’re okay.” That’s not good enough. Is it just the timing? I couldn’t picture life with anyone else, so whats the deal? I don’t want it to end and I won’t let it end, but are we both truly happy?

I can speak for myself, but I cannot speak for him. It sucks, because I feel as though he’s the unhappy one. I don’t know how to get him to tell me the truth. Or am I the unhappy one? That can’t be. I know I am happy. Or do I? I hope it all just boils down to stress. That’s all. I hope it’s nothing else.

This has been the most amazing 5 years of my life and I never want it to end. I just hope he feels the same.

 

 

Tired

Just when you think everything will be okay and solid life throws you a curve ball. Which is fine, curveballs are expected in life. But, see, I thought I already hit rock bottom and got passed it. I am tired of feeling like I am so independent and I can hold my own, but then getting chewed up and spit out by the world.

I am at rock bottom. There’s one car between the two of us, two part time jobs with rent to pay. We are BARELY keeping our heads above water. I CAN’T GET A FULL TIME JOB! Neither can he. This is a very stressful time. I am tired of feeling like I want to go back and re do everything. I’ve messed up and I know I have, but come on. Why am I still being punished.

I am tired of wondering when everything will be okay. I hate living on edge wondering if we are gonna make it this month. I just want to be stable for once in my life. I feel like I am asking for too much or something. Nothing is okay right now, nothing. I wish I could just magically make everything great. But, it’s a dog eat dog world, and right now I am breakfast.

I just wish things would change. But that’s wishful thinking.